Adoption Update

Ten days ago we started our adoption paperwork. That was the day we got our fingerprints done and sent off to the FBI and the SBI. We also got criminal records checks. Since then, we have gotten back all the paperwork we needed to turn in to our social worker for our home study and we gave it to her at our first visit today. The only thing we still need are our three references and those should be to her by the end of next week. Once she gets those she will finalize our paperwork, drop by for one more visit and we will be done!

Just in case you are not properly impressed, let me explain a little about home studies. This is when you hire a social worker to come out to your home and look it over. They are looking to make sure it is a suitable environment for a child (ie. no rusty nails laying about, no piles of garbage all over the floor). They also need a huge amount of information and documentation. Criminal background checks, family's names and contact information, medical letters stating you do not have any health problems that would cause a shortened life expectancy, tax returns, paystubs, references, birth certificates, pages of questions about your marriage, children and attitudes on adoption, budget.... Normally the process takes about 3 months to complete. It looks like ours will be done in less than one. Yay!

This really is going to happen. We are going to adopt a child. I can't wait!!!

Putting an Octopus in Pantyhose

I took Doodlebug to church by myself today. He goes to his class during the sermon, but we usually pick him up early and take him back in for the last couple of worship songs. As we came back to the sanctuary I noticed that people weren't singing yet, but since one of our friends was holding the door for us I decided that slipping in the back should be okay. Nope. It was totally silent for a moment and Doodlebug decided to annouce his arrival by yelling "Hi!" to everyone. Nice.

So the singing started and we went back to our seat. Doodlebug was, ahem, slightly restless. You know the kind where toddler's try to flip out of your arms headfirst onto the floor. That kind of restless. I finally held him upside down. That worked well for about 30 seconds. Now he is wanting down so badly he's pushing against me trying to get away. Unfortunately for me his hands happened to be on my throat so I got a bit strangled.

Now I'm getting dirty looks from the childless couple across from me so I decide it's time to move to the back of the room and put him down. Maybe he will wander around quietly back there. Ha! No, he thought it would be a better idea to head for the door and try to slip out, only to fuss when I prevented his escape.

So we headed to a different spot in the back of the room that is away from the childless glaring couple and the door. No dice. He did change from fussing to happy noises when he saw his friend. At least the singing was loud enough that most people could not hear him.

Finally I picked him up and just held on for dear life while he wiggled and squirmed. I am beat. It would have been easier to put an ocotpus in pantyhose.

My last post I said I would be back to blogging. And then I was gone for two weeks. Life does not always work out the way I plan it. I'm not sure when I will be back to blogging more regularly because I am really busy filling out adoption paperwork.

Wait, did you catch what I just said?

We are filling out adoption paperwork!

Like I said, life doesn't always work out the way I planned.

Update on Doodlebug and Financial Challenge

Last week we went to visit the neurologist again. She no longer thinks that Doodlebug is a late bloomer. He's just too far behind and not catching up like he should be. He's 17 months old and still not able to feed himself. He does not call me "Mama" or his daddy "Dada" yet. He still is barely able to chew food. He is walking, but hasn't gotten really good at it yet. These are milestones he should have passed long ago. It breaks my heart to see him falling behind.

Anyway, since he's not catching up like we had hoped the neuro wants to start doing more testing to see if we can find a cause for his delays. Previously she ordered some bloodwork to test for metabolic and genetic disorders. We chose not to have them done at this time. We are still holding onto him being a late bloomer, and if there is a diagnosis it won't change what we are doing to get him therapy and try to catch up. He doesn't have unusual health problems that would lead us to think there is more going on and we just don't see the point of spending thousands of dollars to rule out disorders no one really thinks he has.

So now we are setting up and MRI. We go to get some basic bloodwork done tomorrow and hopefully the MRI will be done in the next month. I really don't want to have this done either. He will have to be put under and I hate for him to go through all of this. And anything the MRI could tell us is stuff I don't want to know. She is looking for brain damage, brain malformation and evidence of a stroke, just to name a few horrifying scenarios. And if all is well there, we are going to be sent off to the geneticist. Who knows what all that will entail.

This is taking it's toll on the potential adoption as well. The neuro wants us to find out what is going on with Doodlebug before proceeding with the adoption. What exactly is she expecting to diagnose him with? And really, what does it matter? We want to have another child. That won't change even if Doodlebug has lasting issues.

I am sure the MRI will cost a significant amount, even with insurance. Insurance only covers a portion and when Doodlebug had ear tubes put in and his endoscopy done we paid quite a bit of money out of pocket. That money will end up coming out of the adoption fund. And if the MRI is normal I'm sure we will have to pursue the bloodwork for the genetic and metabolic disorders. I know the tests are very expensive and we will again have to pay a portion.

Please don't misunderstand. I am grateful that we have the funds to pay for this. I am grateful we have insurance. I do not begrudge my son this money if he needs it to have medical tests done. It's just frustrating to know how far away we are from our goal of raising money for the adoption and realizing that this will only push us further away from that goal. It seems so unattainable right now.

So far in June I have raised a whopping $35. We have a looooonnnng way to go to reach our goal, and it will be even further if we need to dip into the funds we do have to pay medical bills.

I really don't want to leave this post on such a low note, so let me tell you a little bit more about my wonderful boy. He is my favorite baby in the whole world. If I could clone him I would do it in a New York minute.



He is so laid back and good natured it is unbelievable. When we were in Downtown Disney we decided to go into some of the gift shops. I could hand him a toy to look at and play with for a minute and then take it back from him and he never made a fuss. Not once. What kid does that?

He's started giving kissed on request. Of course I request them at least twenty time a day. He's almost always happy to oblige.

He has the best laugh. And he uses it often.

When we pick him up in the nursery at church and all the other kids are screaming he is the only one with a smile on his face. And his smile gets even bigger when he sees us.

He makes really funny faces.

He loves to read books. Dr. Suess and Sandra Boynton are his favorites. He will sit and look at books for almost an hour by himself.

And last, but not least, he is the personification of cuteness.

Costs to Adopt

It costs a staggering amount of money to adopt. It can be as little as a couple thousand dollars to adopt a child in the foster care system or up to sixty thousand dollars. Yep, $60,000. That's a lotta money.

So what are all the fees for? (I'm mostly talking about the fees for a domestic adoption that is not through the foster care system. Some of the fees overlap to other types of adoption, but not all.)

The first thing you need is a homestudy. As near as I can figure this is a social worker meeting with the potential adoptive family and touring their home to make sure that they have "a suitable environment to raise a child". Actually, it's several meetings and a bunch of paperwork. Fingerprints, criminal record checks, medical clearances and that sort of thing. This cost $1000-$1500 or so.

If you decide to use an adoption consultant their fees are generally $2000-$3000.
The adoption consultant is the person who looks out for the interests of the adoptive parents and helps to guide them through the process.

Then there are the fees to the adoption agency. This is a huge chunk of the cost to adopt. My understanding is about $13,000-$15,000. Gulp! Did you know that agencies work in the best interest of the birth parents? Now, don't get me wrong, I am glad that there is someone protecting their interests I just have a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I am paying that much money to someone who isn't even looking out for my best interest. I was really surprised to find out what these fees cover. Can you guess? Advertising. All that money for advertising. Whew.

Birth mother expenses. This varies a lot. It totally depends on the situation and what the birth mother needs. Anything from maternity clothes, to medical bills to rent so she has somewhere to live. These fees could be minor or thousands and thousands of dollars.

And then there are the expenses involved in actually going to pick up the child from whereever he or she is born. When you adopt a newborn in the US the adoptive parents go to the hospital where the baby is going to be born or is already born. After the birth mother signs away her parental rights and the child is discharged from the hospital the adoptive parents can take the child with them. But until the state the child was born in and the state the adoptive parents live in get on the same page, the adoptive parents cannot leave the state with their child. So this is usually about two weeks in a hotel, plus airfare and any other travel expenses.

The cost is overwhelming. There are no guarantees. We could spend thousands of dollars and still not have another child. I cannot think of a single way to raise the kind of cash needed to make this happen. Well, I could think of a couple of ways but other than winning the lottery none of them are legal.

So we are at a crossroad. Do we go for it? Do we wait until we can save more money? Do I get a job to help with the expenses? There don't seem to be any good answers. There sure as heck aren't any easy answers.

Adoption-Here We Go

Remember those Fisher Price little people? I had those and I loved to play with them. I think I had about 20 or so and they all lived in a four room house. With no bathroom. I'm not sure how that worked, but I don't remember it being a problem.

I spent a lot of time playing with them and making up stories about their world and what they did. This is where I created my first adoptive family. Granted back then I was a little confused about the subject because I had triplet girls, two of whom I declared were adopted and one who was not.

I always knew I wanted to adopt and always thought I would adopt my kids. I never expected to give birth to a child, but life's full of twists, turns and surprises, and of course, my Doodlebug.



Going through pregnancy with Doodlebug was not a fun thing. At all. About 5 minutes after I got the positive pregnancy test I got queasy and it didn't stop until he was born. From May to January I fought to get down and keep down every single bite of food I ate. I was miserable and I am never doing that again.

So we are starting to get serious about adopting. We want to wait until Doodlebug is around 18 months old or so. That way if we get a child really quickly the kids will be at least 18 months apart. Any closer and I think I might lose my sanity. Well, I might lose it anyway, or it could be gone by now for all I know. My sanity I mean.

This past fall we went to an adoption expo and learned about Adoption Consultants. They are people who work for the potential adoptive parents. From what I understand their main purpose is twofold.

One they provide education. There is a lot to learn and navigate in the adoptive process. Domestic or international? What race(s) are you willing to accept? What age(s)? Will you accept a child whose mother used drugs? Which drugs? Recreationally or a hard core user? How do you market your family to a potential birth mother?

The second main purpose is to help you match up with a mother who is giving her baby up for adoption. Did you know that adoption agencies work for the birth parents only? I didn't. It is their interests that are being protected, not the potential adoptive parents. I had no clue.

So, we called two adoptive consultants today to make appointments. We need to know if it is realistic to think that we can adopt based on the budget we have. And where do we go from here?

I am excited. And terrified. After all, with a second child I'm going to be outnumbered during the day. Yikes! And I'm wondering about this little baby. Will we have a boy or a girl? When? What will his or her personality be like? By this time next year will our family be complete?

Returning an Adopted Child?

Have you heard about the couple on Good Morning America who want to give their adopted son back to the state? Their story is a horrible one. The child has been violent and even tried to kill them by burning their home down and has been locked in a psychiatric ward for the past year. They are attempting to change Oklahoma law to allow them to return the child to the care of the state.

But it both makes me mad and breaks my heart what they are trying to do.

I cannot imagine the terror and anguish that this couple is feeling. To know the child you love and are caring for wants to kill you, and would try. And he's coming home next month. I know they are desperate. I know they are terrified of having this child in their home. I would be too.

But he is their child. If he was their biological child they would not be pursuing this as an option. Adoption often gets a bad rap. The children who are adopted are often treated as though they are a second choice. Comments are made to their parents about how they are not their "real kids". Just this week I heard of an adoptive mother who became pregnant. Her co-worker asked her if they would be giving back their adopted 18 month old child now. Really? Do people think like this? Do people think adopted kids are expendable?

There is a lot of adoption within our family. Our second child will be adopted, not biological. I have always thought that I would adopt my children, instead of give birth to them. This is a topic I am passionate about.

I am angered that this family would go on national TV and announce they want to give their child back. I am angered for this child as well as for every other adopted child in this country. I am angered at the perception they are perpetuating that adopted kids are expendable. That they have a return policy. That they are less a part of the family than a biological kid.

Can you imagine being an adopted child and watching this news report? Thinking your place in the family might not be secure because you were adopted into it and not born into it? What would that do to a child?

I hope that out of the show today this family gets a solution. I hope it's a solution that protects everyone involved and leaves the family intact. I hope for everyone's sake it comes soon. And when it does, I hope they run that story about adoption on Good Morning America too.